Transforming a Grain of Salt into a Mound of Sugar
After a lovely Shabbat dinner, we are sitting together on the couch avoiding one topic, the book: Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejections of My Hasidic Roots, by Deborah Feldman. Finally, the book is mentioned and a new acquaintance quickly jumps in: “I heard about that book! What a terrible thing she has done! She went on the View, now this is what society will think of us!” Another friend piped in: “You need to take that book and her with a grain of salt, I heard she is crazy.” When asked whether or not they would read the book a few laughed and agreed they would never. It’s amazing in the past few months, how many similar conversations I have had since.
That Saturday night, I bought the book. I read it from cover to cover. How could I criticize this woman’s story without having even read her book? Maybe the way she promoted her book was wrong to some; maybe some of the details of her memory are flawed? It’s very possible. But how is the issue of telling her personal experience so wrong? If she had stayed on the derech, would you have listened to her then?
The true shonda here is that instead of listening to her narrative, fear that her story will somehow corrupt or alter the Jewish way of life, has prevented many from realizing genuine and significant problematic issues within the Jewish Community, such as, pedophilia, abuse, homosexuality, sexual dysfunction and education (just to name a few) that are brought up in the book.
The worst part is that there are scarce resources available to those who encounter these issues. Even recently, there was a story on CBS New Yorks website entitled: Victim’s Father Determined to break Cycle of Abuse In Brooklyn Hasidic, Orthodox Communities about a father who is being shunned within his community for standing up for his son against a well-known pedophile. Unfortunately, there is very little help available to those who are victims of abuse, and even less for people willing to fight for them.
Why is there a bigger outcry against Deborah Feldman than the Pedophiles who perpetrate such crimes within the Jewish Community? Where is the outrage? Don’t believe that there is a HUGE problem with pedophilia and child abuse within the Jewish community? There are good odds that you know someone who was abused or sexually abused by a family friend or a family member. Fifty-Six percent of pedophiles who commit acts of sexual violence know their victims or the victim’s family (Darkness to the Light, 2010). You have a temper tantrum that a woman writes a book about her personal experience, but you cannot face the issue of child abuse within our own community?
Back to my friend who told me she had heard that Deborah was crazy and that I needed to take her with a “grain of salt”. How on earth is she crazy? She is certainly not crazy being the offspring from her mentally disabled father and her mother, who really had had no option but to leave. That is not her fault. She is not crazy because she had an aunt who made her life miserable. She is not crazy for being raised by her grandparents. She is not crazy for not knowing enough about her body to have sexual relations, and she is not crazy for wanting to read. She is not insane for hating her mother-in-law, who tormented her, and she is not insane for getting a sexual disease from her ex-husband’s marital infidelity. In fact, her writing shows otherwise and the foul reaction to her book only gives new meaning to her written experiences. This woman escaped a life that was truly awful for her and as Jews we have an obligation to prevent stories like this. This is the shonda.
Fear can play a powerful role in one’s life. Perhaps if the Jewish Community faced these issues head on instead of fighting the people who expose shameful truths, we would be in a much better place and not faltering in the shadow of a book.
Helpful Information:
· Darkness to Light: End Child Abuse, http://www.d2l.org
· Adkan: Jewish Advocates for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, http://www.adkanenough.com/index.html
· Project Kol Tzedek, http://www.brooklynda.org/kol_tzedek/Kol%20Tzedek%20Brochure%20Design%202009-%202.pdf
· Gotta Give ‘em Hope, http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/p/resources.html
That Saturday night, I bought the book. I read it from cover to cover. How could I criticize this woman’s story without having even read her book? Maybe the way she promoted her book was wrong to some; maybe some of the details of her memory are flawed? It’s very possible. But how is the issue of telling her personal experience so wrong? If she had stayed on the derech, would you have listened to her then?
The true shonda here is that instead of listening to her narrative, fear that her story will somehow corrupt or alter the Jewish way of life, has prevented many from realizing genuine and significant problematic issues within the Jewish Community, such as, pedophilia, abuse, homosexuality, sexual dysfunction and education (just to name a few) that are brought up in the book.
The worst part is that there are scarce resources available to those who encounter these issues. Even recently, there was a story on CBS New Yorks website entitled: Victim’s Father Determined to break Cycle of Abuse In Brooklyn Hasidic, Orthodox Communities about a father who is being shunned within his community for standing up for his son against a well-known pedophile. Unfortunately, there is very little help available to those who are victims of abuse, and even less for people willing to fight for them.
Why is there a bigger outcry against Deborah Feldman than the Pedophiles who perpetrate such crimes within the Jewish Community? Where is the outrage? Don’t believe that there is a HUGE problem with pedophilia and child abuse within the Jewish community? There are good odds that you know someone who was abused or sexually abused by a family friend or a family member. Fifty-Six percent of pedophiles who commit acts of sexual violence know their victims or the victim’s family (Darkness to the Light, 2010). You have a temper tantrum that a woman writes a book about her personal experience, but you cannot face the issue of child abuse within our own community?
Back to my friend who told me she had heard that Deborah was crazy and that I needed to take her with a “grain of salt”. How on earth is she crazy? She is certainly not crazy being the offspring from her mentally disabled father and her mother, who really had had no option but to leave. That is not her fault. She is not crazy because she had an aunt who made her life miserable. She is not crazy for being raised by her grandparents. She is not crazy for not knowing enough about her body to have sexual relations, and she is not crazy for wanting to read. She is not insane for hating her mother-in-law, who tormented her, and she is not insane for getting a sexual disease from her ex-husband’s marital infidelity. In fact, her writing shows otherwise and the foul reaction to her book only gives new meaning to her written experiences. This woman escaped a life that was truly awful for her and as Jews we have an obligation to prevent stories like this. This is the shonda.
Fear can play a powerful role in one’s life. Perhaps if the Jewish Community faced these issues head on instead of fighting the people who expose shameful truths, we would be in a much better place and not faltering in the shadow of a book.
Helpful Information:
· Darkness to Light: End Child Abuse, http://www.d2l.org
· Adkan: Jewish Advocates for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, http://www.adkanenough.com/index.html
· Project Kol Tzedek, http://www.brooklynda.org/kol_tzedek/Kol%20Tzedek%20Brochure%20Design%202009-%202.pdf
· Gotta Give ‘em Hope, http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/p/resources.html
