Transforming a Grain of Salt into a Mound of Sugar
After a lovely Shabbat dinner, we are sitting together on the couch avoiding one topic, the book: Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejections of My Hasidic Roots, by Deborah Feldman. Finally, the book is mentioned and a new acquaintance quickly jumps in: “I heard about that book! What a terrible thing she has done! She went on the View, now this is what society will think of us!” Another friend piped in: “You need to take that book and her with a grain of salt, I heard she is crazy.” When asked whether or not they would read the book a few laughed and agreed they would never. It’s amazing in the past few months, how many similar conversations I have had since.
That Saturday night, I bought the book. I read it from cover to cover. How could I criticize this woman’s story without having even read her book? Maybe the way she promoted her book was wrong to some; maybe some of the details of her memory are flawed? It’s very possible. But how is the issue of telling her personal experience so wrong? If she had stayed on the derech, would you have listened to her then?
The true shonda here is that instead of listening to her narrative, fear that her story will somehow corrupt or alter the Jewish way of life, has prevented many from realizing genuine and significant problematic issues within the Jewish Community, such as, pedophilia, abuse, homosexuality, sexual dysfunction and education (just to name a few) that are brought up in the book.
The worst part is that there are scarce resources available to those who encounter these issues. Even recently, there was a story on CBS New Yorks website entitled: Victim’s Father Determined to break Cycle of Abuse In Brooklyn Hasidic, Orthodox Communities about a father who is being shunned within his community for standing up for his son against a well-known pedophile. Unfortunately, there is very little help available to those who are victims of abuse, and even less for people willing to fight for them.
Why is there a bigger outcry against Deborah Feldman than the Pedophiles who perpetrate such crimes within the Jewish Community? Where is the outrage? Don’t believe that there is a HUGE problem with pedophilia and child abuse within the Jewish community? There are good odds that you know someone who was abused or sexually abused by a family friend or a family member. Fifty-Six percent of pedophiles who commit acts of sexual violence know their victims or the victim’s family (Darkness to the Light, 2010). You have a temper tantrum that a woman writes a book about her personal experience, but you cannot face the issue of child abuse within our own community?
Back to my friend who told me she had heard that Deborah was crazy and that I needed to take her with a “grain of salt”. How on earth is she crazy? She is certainly not crazy being the offspring from her mentally disabled father and her mother, who really had had no option but to leave. That is not her fault. She is not crazy because she had an aunt who made her life miserable. She is not crazy for being raised by her grandparents. She is not crazy for not knowing enough about her body to have sexual relations, and she is not crazy for wanting to read. She is not insane for hating her mother-in-law, who tormented her, and she is not insane for getting a sexual disease from her ex-husband’s marital infidelity. In fact, her writing shows otherwise and the foul reaction to her book only gives new meaning to her written experiences. This woman escaped a life that was truly awful for her and as Jews we have an obligation to prevent stories like this. This is the shonda.
Fear can play a powerful role in one’s life. Perhaps if the Jewish Community faced these issues head on instead of fighting the people who expose shameful truths, we would be in a much better place and not faltering in the shadow of a book.
Helpful Information:
· Darkness to Light: End Child Abuse, http://www.d2l.org
· Adkan: Jewish Advocates for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, http://www.adkanenough.com/index.html
· Project Kol Tzedek, http://www.brooklynda.org/kol_tzedek/Kol%20Tzedek%20Brochure%20Design%202009-%202.pdf
· Gotta Give ‘em Hope, http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/p/resources.html
That Saturday night, I bought the book. I read it from cover to cover. How could I criticize this woman’s story without having even read her book? Maybe the way she promoted her book was wrong to some; maybe some of the details of her memory are flawed? It’s very possible. But how is the issue of telling her personal experience so wrong? If she had stayed on the derech, would you have listened to her then?
The true shonda here is that instead of listening to her narrative, fear that her story will somehow corrupt or alter the Jewish way of life, has prevented many from realizing genuine and significant problematic issues within the Jewish Community, such as, pedophilia, abuse, homosexuality, sexual dysfunction and education (just to name a few) that are brought up in the book.
The worst part is that there are scarce resources available to those who encounter these issues. Even recently, there was a story on CBS New Yorks website entitled: Victim’s Father Determined to break Cycle of Abuse In Brooklyn Hasidic, Orthodox Communities about a father who is being shunned within his community for standing up for his son against a well-known pedophile. Unfortunately, there is very little help available to those who are victims of abuse, and even less for people willing to fight for them.
Why is there a bigger outcry against Deborah Feldman than the Pedophiles who perpetrate such crimes within the Jewish Community? Where is the outrage? Don’t believe that there is a HUGE problem with pedophilia and child abuse within the Jewish community? There are good odds that you know someone who was abused or sexually abused by a family friend or a family member. Fifty-Six percent of pedophiles who commit acts of sexual violence know their victims or the victim’s family (Darkness to the Light, 2010). You have a temper tantrum that a woman writes a book about her personal experience, but you cannot face the issue of child abuse within our own community?
Back to my friend who told me she had heard that Deborah was crazy and that I needed to take her with a “grain of salt”. How on earth is she crazy? She is certainly not crazy being the offspring from her mentally disabled father and her mother, who really had had no option but to leave. That is not her fault. She is not crazy because she had an aunt who made her life miserable. She is not crazy for being raised by her grandparents. She is not crazy for not knowing enough about her body to have sexual relations, and she is not crazy for wanting to read. She is not insane for hating her mother-in-law, who tormented her, and she is not insane for getting a sexual disease from her ex-husband’s marital infidelity. In fact, her writing shows otherwise and the foul reaction to her book only gives new meaning to her written experiences. This woman escaped a life that was truly awful for her and as Jews we have an obligation to prevent stories like this. This is the shonda.
Fear can play a powerful role in one’s life. Perhaps if the Jewish Community faced these issues head on instead of fighting the people who expose shameful truths, we would be in a much better place and not faltering in the shadow of a book.
Helpful Information:
· Darkness to Light: End Child Abuse, http://www.d2l.org
· Adkan: Jewish Advocates for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, http://www.adkanenough.com/index.html
· Project Kol Tzedek, http://www.brooklynda.org/kol_tzedek/Kol%20Tzedek%20Brochure%20Design%202009-%202.pdf
· Gotta Give ‘em Hope, http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/p/resources.html
This is what you read in the book but that dose not mean that its true what she wrote anyone can come up with a story like this put some sexuality and everyone will believe her
ReplyDeleteBut, did you read the book?
DeleteIf I wanted to read something with a sexuality in it, I would not have read a book about girl growing up in the Satamar community lol. I would go with something much more Tznius like playboy.
DeleteThe side of the story
DeleteOprah's Next Chapter Americas Hidden Culture Part 1 - Hasidic Jews
www.youtube.com
For the first time ever, Oprah travels to Brooklyn, New York, to meet two Hasidic Jewish families, who lift the veil, revealing the secrets to their usually ...
yeah i saw this. And I saw this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udZylVb_Z54
DeleteI'm sorry but Opera can highlight great things about the ulta orthodox, (and Chabad is not Satmar) but it does not take away from the serious problems that exist within the community.
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ReplyDeleteI think Deborah Feldman would do anything to make the Satmars look bad. Like any community, I'm sure it has its share of deviants -- but no more than any other. Like other communities, I'm sure most people are good and decent, but Feldman had neither the goodness or the decency to write about that. Any thinking reader can see that she went out of her way to skew negative, creating a wildly imbalanced, and partially dishonest, account. She continues to do this in her Facebook account and blog.
Delete"no more than others"?
ReplyDeletethere shouldn't be ANY sexual deviants in the Chasidic Community. What is being Chasidus about? is it about being Godly or being a deviant? It's the deviants that should be shunned from the community NOT Deobrah Feldman. Shame on you for spewing your vitriol on her. Shame on you for protecting your deviants. Shame on the whole community! Everyone in the community is responsible for the horrible acts that are happening in your community. Everyone should be protecting the children and all you are interested in doing is gossiping and protecting your face. I know that truth that Deborah Feldman talks about because I lived it myself. And the truth shall prevail!
I agree with you that there should be no sexual predators in any part of society, Chasidic or otherwise. Of course they should all be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. It is an unfortunate truth that such people exist in all communities, Chasidic or not. My point is that Feldman makes it sound as if the Satmar culture is permeated with these deviants. I am sure that there are as many good and decent people in the Satmar culture as in any other.
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree with you. I do not think she comes across that way at all. I think there are a lot of people who are afraid that is how it came across and therefore are focusing on her, rather than the issues at hand. If one wanted to even address issues like this, you can't - you are NOT able to do it within the Satamar and even in the larger religious community.
ReplyDeleteI have heard stories from personal friends of abuse happening everywhere from the home to within the shul on shobbos. Most families cover it up. Nothing ever happened. Good for Deborah for being able to give a voice to all those who have had similar experiences and encounters as her.
OK, I get her/your message: Satmars are bad, bad, bad, bad bad! And, just in case anyone missed her/your point: Satmars. Are. Bad. !!!!
ReplyDeleteHmm... Your sarcasm just doesn't work. I would say that the majority of the people who read this book, do not walk away with taking one person's experience to mean it's everyone's experience. If Sarmars were bad, bad, bad there would be a lot more of them leaving,leaving, leaving.
DeleteTo go and have a temper tandrum, just doesn't work. We are not attacking the Satmar way of life. However, there are issues to address, quite obviously, and taking your route, just shows how ignorant you are. What does it take to have people care enough about their own communities to make important changes?
Issues described like this exist in every community- you can be Satmar, modern orthodox, Conservative, Christian, Black, White, Brown and Blue. You have her story, whether you believe it or not. Instead of getting upset about what she is saying do something to prevent experiences like this one. Protect you kids, allow the tools into the community to give people like this help.
No one is perfect. No culture, race or ethnicity is perfect. We are all people and we all make mistakes. It is about what you do about these experiences that counts. You need to ensure it is better for the next person.
Actually, maybe the sarcasm did work. In your final two paragraphs, you finally seem to get my point! By all means, root out the bad folks in Satmar, but, equally, give recognition to the many very good ones, too! Every community has it's bad guys -- and its good guys, too!
ReplyDeleteP.S. To an outsider (which I definitely am), DF's stuff reads like it was designed to create a negative stereotype of her people.
I think your point doesn't take away from her book or her story. If that is your point just say it upfront. it is a good point. I disagree with you, I really do as far as "designed to create a negative sterotype". Have a little faith in people.
ReplyDeleteThat they will read it and understand that this DF story. I think by saying her story has no validity is shameful. As people we need to stand up for anyone who has experiences such as these and especially within our own community and this is MY community.
ReplyDeleteActually, I do have faith in people, including the Satmars. I believe that, like any other group, they are basically good and decent people, and, like any other group, they have some bad people who must be dealt with. I also had faith in Deborah Feldman when I first started reading her book after seeing her on The View, but lost that faith after many people pointed out her lack of candor throughout its pages. My words would be more positive if she had attempted to take a more balanced approach. She also should have carefully checked all her facts pre-publication, especially as concerns the alleged murder.
ReplyDeleteIt's her personal narrative! Not a documentary. Her words. She doesn't have to be "balanced". It's her experience!
ReplyDeleteI guess she doesn't have to be honest, either. But as someone who bought the book in good faith, I feel I was duped.
ReplyDelete